Mistakes

I mess up, make mistakes. I biff it, hell I fuck up.  And I hate it when I do; especially when it counts to my Sir. I want to be the best slave and woman I can be. What Submissive doesn’t? But I have issues… What woman doesn’t? I think if I were just to write them down I could get over it, around it even. First is so simple, it really honestly makes me cry sometimes. I can’t listen to orders. Well okay not quite that more like I really fight back. I push and push until I’m made to give in. Now this isn’t to every order…only the ones I don’t agree with. It’s stupid and pitiful. This is something I need to just plain get over! Another is that I seem to think I know what’s best for me. I should accept Sir’s word as law when it comes to my wellbeing. I’ve been getting better at that though. Hmm I have a hard time listening to the rules sometimes in general, mostly the no talking back rule… I’m a feisty girl. I want my way more times than not, even –going back to my last point- if it’s not good for my wellbeing.  Whatever the excuse for me acting out like this whether it’s just me being a bitchy little girl, or some real emotional issue, I need to figure it out if I ever want a training collar. I think I’m going to start leaving notes for myself. I already have one or two on my mirror. Maybe if I can just remind myself…  If I don’t shape up soon I don’t think sitting will be an option much longer. And as much as I like being spanked I’d rather it be because I want it. Not because I made Sir unhappy. 

Yesterdays plane ride.

I have to apologize. I promised a weekend full of amazing writing and sexy smut. Yet I didn’t deliver. In a vain attempt to express why I decided to blog about it. It took my a while to talk myself into it, some reason I think people only want to read the sexy stuff I post and don't care about me much as a person.Well also because Sir said writing and letting my feelings out may help. So here I am. The reason I didn’t serve my dirty writing all wrapped up in kink on a silver platter is because I was morning the loss of a great friend and cousin of mine. I had just sat down to write something yummy, when my father called to tell me Allyson had passed away in a car crash the night before.  Now call me naïve but I’ve never had someone that close to me die before. I was in complete shock. I wish people would prepare you for this kind of thing when growing up. I didn’t talk for several minutes finally when I did somehow the question seriously?  was what slipped out. Then the worst happened; I started to cry. I don’t cry. I mean I have this stupid illogical belief that if I cry the world will crumble around me. So of course I got off the phone as soon as possible, not at all wanting to cry in front of my dad. I quickly ran to the bathroom where I immediately became a mess of snot and tears. Trying to calm myself I called my mother and text Sir to see if I could call him. Once all calls were made I felt not much better, but more in control. The whole weekend pretty much went on like this. As of now I’m on an airplane flying back to Iowa (One of my home states) for the funeral. It’s hard to imagine the bright and shiny girl I used to sleep and the same bed as and share all my secrets with (and even shared a boy with) is gone. I loved her so much; I can only hope she is happy where she is now. She was always such a big fan of me and my writing, I’m sorry she won’t be here to see me publish a book. Nonetheless RIP beloved Allyson. 

Good news!

Alright so many things have happened lately that I find blog worthy, only my internet hates me in this house. The good news is on Thursday we're getting it fixed! Yays! Blog posts for everyone! This weekend I'm just going to sit down and write out some amazing smut, hopefully finishing The Chase. I know a couple of you guys out there loved it ;)

Humiliation.

I have good friends. Friends how always look out for me. A special friend of mine took me out last night to a play. I love the theater. I must admit I wasn't paying much attention last night. My mind was elsewhere, focused on the little round egg vibrating so furiously inside me. My friend had a sort of challenge for me; if I could sit still and keep quiet during the play I would get a reward. It was set on low at first my face turning a deep red right away Slowly I could feel the orgasm creep up on me. Soon I was griping at the arm rest, curling my toes, and biting my lip to keep silent. A slight gasp gave me away none the less. "Turn it up." He whispered.

I did as ordered, and was rewarded with a kiss. The orgasm came much quicker this time, much more sudden. It went on like this until the break came. I was given a short break, but as soon as the play was back on, so was my pleasure. After another orgasm, and quite a mess in my panties. The last scene of the play came on. "Turn it up all the way." I did. The jolt of it making me cough at a quiet moment. Blushing all over again.

I could feel the rise of yet another orgasm coming on, and he could see it as well. "Not yet." He mummers.
"Please." I beg.
"Just wait, hold off as long as you can."
"I can't, oh please just let me."
"No, you can do it."
"Please, please, please."
"Four, three, two, one. Now" In a rush I was consumed by pleasure. I was doing everything I could just to keep quiet. I don't even remember what all the play was about. What a good friend. ;) To bad he wouldn't let me take the toy home.

Just a ity bity post.

Here I am innocently texting in class ( Ok maybe not innocently...) and income some very dirty texts from a very kinky friend of mine. Detailed visions of kidnap and rape start rolling around my head. After about two classes I couldn't take it anymore, I ran off to the girls room in search of some relief. For better or worse I told him what I was doing. He ordered me to call. I told him there was no way I could, I mean what if someone hears! Yet somehow seconds later I was on the phone with him, being call a whore or being told how dirty and slutty I was. How I couldn't even wait to get home before I touched my self. If I could have rubbed against his words I would have. Instead I only had my hand which brought me to orgasm at least twice before I had to scurry off to my next class. I left the bathroom red faced, satisfied, and with a newly found secret. ;)

Random thoughts.

I'm in some serious need for a geek out. Some one please supply my N64 addiction. Xbox 360 is acceptable as well. PS3 will be allowed, but come on everyone knows N64 is better... Might as well bring any and all Playboys and comic books ( You get extra points for bringing anything Superman). Card games such as Pokemon and Magic the Gathering are more then welcome. Hmm other then those thoughts I have certain fantasy on my mind as of late. And I blame a very certain person for planting these thoughts into my head. :) The idea is a very strict Daddy has to still discipline his 20 year old daughter with spankings. Which is very embarrassing for her to be brought so low so easily. I was supposed to meet up with this person today, sadly  life got in the way. I couldn't sleep a wink last night. All that was going through my head was; I wonder what it'll feel like being held down by him, being hit by him, his hands wrapped around my throat... If I could purr I would. I miss being completely abused. I haven't been for quite some time. I want to be terrified under skillful hands. Sigh... Maybe Thursday will work out. I've been a very mouthy girl, I'm sure I'll get whats coming to me. ;)

The Chase.

Ten...nine...eight...seven...six...five...four...three...two...RUN! I crash though the woods. Twigs breaking beneath my feet. All my sense are heightened, I'm on hyper alert. Yet all I can see in front of me are trees. The smell of dirt and fear invade my nose. Although none of which is as terrifying as the foot steps behind me. Loud, heavy, fast.

 I fight to catch my breath, just as I fight to keep running.  I know what will happen if he catches up with me. Pushing myself I put one foot in front of the other as quickly as I can. I hear him gaining on me. Whipping my head around I look back. It took me only a moment to know that I was done.

Abruptly I have dirt under my hands. Where did that branch come from?! Frantically I scramble to get back on my feet. As soon as I do I fall again; clumsy on my feet. Suddenly he was there. A scream crawled its way up my throat and out my mouth. "Go ahead. Scream until your throat is sore, but it wont help you. No one can hear you, no one cares about some stupid cunt."

My eyes widen, I'm fighting to continue to pump air into my lungs. Adrenaline pulsing through my veins. Quickly, without giving me time to react he grabs a fist full of my hair. Pulling me to my feet. His other hand comes up to my face cupping it then turning it to the side as if to get a better look. Yet I wasn't completely surprised when he pulled back and slapped me across the face. I would've fallen back down if not for his hand still in my hair.

He produced a pack that I had not noticed before. From it he took two large zip ties. He secures one around my wrists before tripping me. I fall hard, with nothing to slow or to catch myself. With a practiced ease that frightens me even more so he ties my ankles. Barely huffing he throws me over his shoulder.

I hear whimpering, it took me a second to realize it was me letting out those pitiful pleas where mine."Please...please... I'm a good girl... Oh please let me go... I won't tell anyone I swear...."

"Oh shut up bitch, your not going anywhere. We both know that. "


To be continued?

Break ups.

Break ups suck. Like really really suck. And sometimes they fly at you from out of the blue. No one ever has a happy break up. There is only better break ups. But what makes one kind of break up better then another? I guess mine wasn't considered "bad" there was no screaming, no yelling, no last claims of passion. Just cold. I'll be damned if I prefer that over the passion. I mean I know I still care for him deeply. It just wasn't going to work. Yet it still feels unfinished. I don't know... I feel like I'm ranting. It's just this has been in my head all day. I'm not sure how I supposed to feel, to act. He's always been overly serious, very logical. I wish he would've screamed at me, then at least I could be mad. Or sad, but no it never works out the way you want it to. I just want to hide under my covers with Bunny and cry. And I can't, I cried so much yesterday I don't think I have any tears left. I need a bubble bath... and a good friend... and maybe some ice cream... If anyone wants to bring me some ice cream and be a friend let me know.