PTSD

Okay its going to get all emotional up in here just a fair warning. A good friend that I had cared for and trusted greatly betrayed my trust in ways I haven't even started to process. Two Thursday's ago I was raped in my own backyard. There I said it. Well as close as I've been able to come to saying it. I've been falling apart, slipping through my own fingers. I can't sleep, I barely eat, I've been trying so hard to act like nothings wrong and just keep with my normal life. I can't stand being alone because my thoughts inevitably drift back there.

I've lost interest in erotic writing even. It feels like a chore more than a passion at the moment. Little things I do make me think of him, and again I'm back to that place in time. Taking my birth control trips me out, words people say, even making a P, B, & J left me almost in tears. I'm always on alert and freak out when I'm touched and I wasn't aware I was about to be. Hell I punched a friend yesterday cause they jumped out at me. (opps...)

So today I went to the Docs for a follow up on this whole thing. And guess what guys? I have PTSD. So yet another thing I have to find a way to process and deal with. All I want to do is cry and cuddle with Mr. Spiffy and suck on my paci.

I had an amazing five days with Mommy and Daddy ( I'll talk about more in detail when I can) that made me think I had this shit under control, but it just sneaks up on you. Other than all that I have a few complaints (imagine that...)  One: The cop asked my what I was wearing. Yes I'm being serious, he even asked my if I was wearing panties and what kind I was wearing. Two:  He asked me how many times I've had sex in my life. He made me feel terrible for having more sex then socially acceptable. In fact he even said he thinks I shouldn't be having so much sex.

Three: I have one or two friends who know about my being kinky and this incident and the biggest question I've been getting goes something like this "But I thought you like that sort of thing?" OMG OMG OMG OMG. I like kinky stuff I don't like someone forcing himself on me when I obviously said no. Many times.

Think of it like this: you like ice cream don't you? Sure you do! Ice cream is delicious. Now imagine someone prying your mouth open shoving spoon fulls of ice cream down your throat for an hour. Ice cream doesn't sound to good then huh? But wait I thought you liked ice cream? Exactly.

Yeah I really needed to vent I guess. Thanks for listening. Or reading :) Hopefully I'm be back to normal soon.