Friday, May 31, 2013

Mistakes

I mess up, make mistakes. I biff it, hell I fuck up.  And I hate it when I do; especially when it counts to my Sir. I want to be the best slave and woman I can be. What Submissive doesn’t? But I have issues… What woman doesn’t? I think if I were just to write them down I could get over it, around it even. First is so simple, it really honestly makes me cry sometimes. I can’t listen to orders. Well okay not quite that more like I really fight back. I push and push until I’m made to give in. Now this isn’t to every order…only the ones I don’t agree with. It’s stupid and pitiful. This is something I need to just plain get over! Another is that I seem to think I know what’s best for me. I should accept Sir’s word as law when it comes to my wellbeing. I’ve been getting better at that though. Hmm I have a hard time listening to the rules sometimes in general, mostly the no talking back rule… I’m a feisty girl. I want my way more times than not, even –going back to my last point- if it’s not good for my wellbeing.  Whatever the excuse for me acting out like this whether it’s just me being a bitchy little girl, or some real emotional issue, I need to figure it out if I ever want a training collar. I think I’m going to start leaving notes for myself. I already have one or two on my mirror. Maybe if I can just remind myself…  If I don’t shape up soon I don’t think sitting will be an option much longer. And as much as I like being spanked I’d rather it be because I want it. Not because I made Sir unhappy. 

Yesterdays plane ride.

I have to apologize. I promised a weekend full of amazing writing and sexy smut. Yet I didn’t deliver. In a vain attempt to express why I decided to blog about it. It took my a while to talk myself into it, some reason I think people only want to read the sexy stuff I post and don't care about me much as a person.Well also because Sir said writing and letting my feelings out may help. So here I am. The reason I didn’t serve my dirty writing all wrapped up in kink on a silver platter is because I was morning the loss of a great friend and cousin of mine. I had just sat down to write something yummy, when my father called to tell me Allyson had passed away in a car crash the night before.  Now call me na├»ve but I’ve never had someone that close to me die before. I was in complete shock. I wish people would prepare you for this kind of thing when growing up. I didn’t talk for several minutes finally when I did somehow the question seriously?  was what slipped out. Then the worst happened; I started to cry. I don’t cry. I mean I have this stupid illogical belief that if I cry the world will crumble around me. So of course I got off the phone as soon as possible, not at all wanting to cry in front of my dad. I quickly ran to the bathroom where I immediately became a mess of snot and tears. Trying to calm myself I called my mother and text Sir to see if I could call him. Once all calls were made I felt not much better, but more in control. The whole weekend pretty much went on like this. As of now I’m on an airplane flying back to Iowa (One of my home states) for the funeral. It’s hard to imagine the bright and shiny girl I used to sleep and the same bed as and share all my secrets with (and even shared a boy with) is gone. I loved her so much; I can only hope she is happy where she is now. She was always such a big fan of me and my writing, I’m sorry she won’t be here to see me publish a book. Nonetheless RIP beloved Allyson.