I'm back!

Yes that right. I'm back guys! The piles of shit I've been going through these past couple months have made me step back. Basically I've been trying to get back into life and just live as healthy as possible. To catch all you lovelies up a little I've moved on from a lot of people in my life. In return the Goddess has blessed me with new amazing people.

First of which is my best friend Mon Cher. He's quite the firecracker, gay as all hell, and there's no one I would rather be around every day. Second is Handsome. Well he's my boyfriend, yet he's one of my best friends. He has a way of making me smile that no one else does.

I've also been writing... A lot. About a lot. Hopefully I can share some of that. I also hope to once again entertain the beautiful people who read my tidbits. Not to say life isn't hard, or scary. But life is always hard and scary. I just want to write about it. :) I may never be back to "normal" but I've got some great people who've got my back on my side.

So, yes I'm back.

Always
Blythe

What being a writer means to me

It means never leaving well enough alone.
It means adventures without all the treasure.
It means sometimes I'm just not good enough.
It means never giving up.

It means being alone with voices (known as characters) in my head.
It means seeing the things that are hard to see.
It means saying the things that are hard to say.
It means never, ever, giving up.

It means making someone think
It means making someone cry,
It means typewriters, and keyboards, pens, and paper.
It means never even thinking about giving up.

It means that scrap of receipt you found in the bottom of your purse that you hastily write on at the checkout counter, because you'd never forgive yourself if you forget the way you described her eyes.
It means empty tea cups and half read books.
It means knowing inspiration comes in all forms.
It means never losing hope, and not daring to give up.

It means traveling everywhere in your dreams.
It means having dreams.
It means the smile you get when you've found just the right way to word something.
It means never knowing how to word some things.
It means never in a million years giving up.

It means learning to say "I'm a writer" and not sound like you're still trying to convince yourself.
It means late nights, and lots of coffee.
It means people watching
It means theres always a good reason to never give up.

It means fan mail.
It means being someone guilty pleasure.
It means making a difference.
It means you can not give up.

It means being alone.
It means struggle.
It means knowing that you are just one piece to the world.
It means your lovers will live on.
And sometimes, just sometimes, it means knowing when to put down the pen. When to close your eyes, and just give some things up.

I'm Trying

I swear I am. Its hard to write lately. I know I'll get over it. Heck I wrote on Once Upon an Orgasm just for Daddy. Just need to get back into it little by little. doing it for Daddy no doubt made it easier though. Things have been weird for sure. But I'm trying not to turn this into a blog about a whiny little girl and her problems. I will say this: I have a goal to write something at least erotic related by the end of the week. Well thats all for now, off to bed. I have classes tomorrow.

PTSD

Okay its going to get all emotional up in here just a fair warning. A good friend that I had cared for and trusted greatly betrayed my trust in ways I haven't even started to process. Two Thursday's ago I was raped in my own backyard. There I said it. Well as close as I've been able to come to saying it. I've been falling apart, slipping through my own fingers. I can't sleep, I barely eat, I've been trying so hard to act like nothings wrong and just keep with my normal life. I can't stand being alone because my thoughts inevitably drift back there.

I've lost interest in erotic writing even. It feels like a chore more than a passion at the moment. Little things I do make me think of him, and again I'm back to that place in time. Taking my birth control trips me out, words people say, even making a P, B, & J left me almost in tears. I'm always on alert and freak out when I'm touched and I wasn't aware I was about to be. Hell I punched a friend yesterday cause they jumped out at me. (opps...)

So today I went to the Docs for a follow up on this whole thing. And guess what guys? I have PTSD. So yet another thing I have to find a way to process and deal with. All I want to do is cry and cuddle with Mr. Spiffy and suck on my paci.

I had an amazing five days with Mommy and Daddy ( I'll talk about more in detail when I can) that made me think I had this shit under control, but it just sneaks up on you. Other than all that I have a few complaints (imagine that...)  One: The cop asked my what I was wearing. Yes I'm being serious, he even asked my if I was wearing panties and what kind I was wearing. Two:  He asked me how many times I've had sex in my life. He made me feel terrible for having more sex then socially acceptable. In fact he even said he thinks I shouldn't be having so much sex.

Three: I have one or two friends who know about my being kinky and this incident and the biggest question I've been getting goes something like this "But I thought you like that sort of thing?" OMG OMG OMG OMG. I like kinky stuff I don't like someone forcing himself on me when I obviously said no. Many times.

Think of it like this: you like ice cream don't you? Sure you do! Ice cream is delicious. Now imagine someone prying your mouth open shoving spoon fulls of ice cream down your throat for an hour. Ice cream doesn't sound to good then huh? But wait I thought you liked ice cream? Exactly.

Yeah I really needed to vent I guess. Thanks for listening. Or reading :) Hopefully I'm be back to normal soon.

PAX and Thank yous

I'm excited for PAX! Its come at the perfect time in my life. I need to get away from all this hurt. I leave today, in fact I'm waiting for my ride now XD. Hopefully I'll have lots of pictures, and lots of inspiration for smut. No matter what happens in my life I need to keep moving forward and my smut should never stop flowing through my pen.

I don't know what my internet connection will be like while I'm there, so posts and updates might be pretty scarce for the next five days. But I do have something to say real quick if you'd bare with me. Thank you. What is a writer without his readers? Lonely thats what. Its more than my pleasure to write for you. So thank you from the bottom of my heart for showing up here every once in awhile to read.

Mother knows best

Mother always told me never to trust a man with dirty hands.
His were spotless.
I checked his palms, his long bony fingers, I even checked under his fingernails.
At least I thought so, until his hands kept grabbing me even when I said no.
Gripping, tugging, pulling, forcing.
No. No. No. Please...
Shirt gone.
Bra gone.
Pants gone.
Underwear gone.
Please don't. I don't want this. Please don't.
Tears fall, words fail.
Not strong enough, never strong enough.
I thought his hands were clean! I thought I could trust him.
I look closely.
His hands were never clean. His eyes never more piercing.
I check under his fingernails.
I see the dried tears of many women.
I see begging and pleading.
There shoved tightly in between the cuticles I see a losing battle.
Mother always told me never to trust a man with dirty hands.
I won't make the same mistake again.
After all Mother knows best.

Grrr... Microsoft word can suck it.

You guys can blame Microsoft Word for not having new juicy erotica. It decided to shut down in the middle of a two hour project! Grrr... I'm so frustrated right now. Nothing saved at all. Sigh it was going so well too! *Cuddles with Mr. Spiffy and cries* I need a hug. If I didn't have bad luck I wouldn't have any... Tomorrow I'll try again. Until then I'm going to mourn the loss.